For some, the Stockport U11’s tour to Lichfield starts when they are dropped off in the club car park. For others, it starts at whatever unearthly hour Malcolm has decided to get up that day with the first of many messages asking if I could pop along to the Bottle Stop as they had forgotten some of his order. This was followed up by the desperate cry of help as Malcolm informed that there had been an emergency within the Cooke business empire and he was required to go into work. Due to this, he had an emergency job that needed doing with the utmost urgency and I took some comfort from thinking that I had been Malc’s first port of call for such a deed. I then realised just how highly Malc rated my importance when I was informed that the emergency job was to pop to Sainsbury and purchase some raspberries and blueberries as they were essential ingredients required for Cooke’s Executive Gin & Vodka bar aboard the coach!!!!

Having learned lessons from previous tours, the team arranged a 2pm meet time but with a 3pm departure to allow all coach travellers an hour to prise themselves away from the bar. Such is the infamy of the social side of U11’s rugby, Sian even opened the bar especially knowing that she would probably take more money in that sole hour than she would all weekend!! The other executive decision was to take the new and improved Gastrovan complete with functional radio prior to turning up and realising that there was too much alcohol to put under the coach. This involved collecting Malcolm, Miles and stowaway Chess from Mellor Towers and the FOUR of us prising ourselves onto the THREE seats in the front of the van. I think it’s fairly safe to say that both Chess and Miles have inherited the height gene from their parents meaning that leg room was at a premium. This meant that I spent the journey from Mellor to Stockport with Chess sat on my clutch leg and I think she may have even shared the steering at some point!!!

With the coach loaded and ready to depart, Dooley Snr then reports that he’s left the team gazebo in the rear garden of his address which needed collecting. Another job for the valiant Gastrovan which had to delay its departure due to the fact that one school in the whole entire Stockport area decided to have different Easter holidays to everyone else!!! With Warhurst Jnr collected from school, the Gastrovan set off to Lichfield via Dooley’s in Bramhall and the tour (for the Warhursts) was officially underway.

Now you’d think that as I wasn’t on the coach I wouldn’t be aware of anything that had occurred on the journey HOWEVER news soon reached the Gastrovan about an incident now known locally as the Leak of Leek. It transpires that someone on the journey needed the toilet but not wanting to be ‘outed’ for stopping the bus this someone sent a child to the front requesting the toilet as no-one would criticise the child. Just when it was believed that the matter couldn’t possibly become any worse, it was discovered that said adult was actually using the stop to dispose of his alcoholic drink to then pretend he had drunk it and was in fact keeping up with the rest!!!!!
Another call to the van informed that the coach had reached Smallwood Manor and that the van needed to get a move on as the coach had been drunk dry. Upon arrival, it was a low key affair based on the back of the deputy head saying, “Now Tony, we tolerate alcohol but we certainly don’t embrace it!!” We then reached another now infamous incident, the Battle of the Bedrooms with certain travellers taking issue with their room allocation coupled with the fact that finding your room had you believing that the staircases did actually move ala Hogwarts!!! I believe the phrase used was something along the lines of, “I think a bit of reconnaissance would have been an idea??”

The boys then went off for a training session. Now tour leader Kirky had decreed that all players travel down in their brand new and shiny tour kit but didn’t take into account that none of them would actually get changed prior to the session. This meant that for most if not all of the weekend, none of the boys were able to wear their kit which was now heavier than themselves due to the mud it had collected!!!! Onto the evening meal at 6-30pm which I would like to describe as pasta and Bolognese but I won’t and then the kids all disappeared onto a zipwire that had been located to the rear of the premises. Adult supervision was probably advisable here but we left them all in the capable hands of Miles and set to work on Cooke’s Bar complete with warming fires.

My memory of Friday night isn’t the clearest apart from 2 recollections. One being Mrs Rushton wandering around outside in the rain, in her pyjamas re-enacting a scene from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest and the other being that cheeky virgin tourist Taylor lobbing a can of Boddington’s at my head. I accept that the skill here was to miss my head given its circumference and the fact my ears are in separate postcode areas but in his defence, he’d had a drink. Onto an impromptu karaoke session which now doubles up as a way to put Kirky back into his box and before we knew, it was 2am and time for bed. I was sharing with Kirky so I was ready for everything and anything that may happen. Well, I thought I was but then 2 of the strangest things happened which caused me concern and kept me awake. Firstly, Kirky had brought his beloved guitar on tour which was situated next to his bed. I swear blind he was using it as a bloody mattress as every time he turned around I got the opening riff to Money For Nothing by Dire Straits. The second was a fart!! Now in a room with 5 males you’ll get the occasional fart, possibly accompanied by a whiff and maybe a childish giggle. What I was wasn’t prepared for was a fart as wet as an otter’s pocket which instantaneously woke me up with the fear that he had gone and shit himself!!! There was no movement and surprisingly no smell so I assumed it was either just a fart or he was happy to sleep in it so I went back to sleep!! The following morning, we were all rudely awoken by Rowan’s alarm at 7-30am. When I say all, that was all but Rowan who continued to sleep through it for the next 10 minutes. For someone who loses everything with some regularity he was very close to losing his bloody iPad as well!!!

Down for breakfast which was omelette, hash brown and beans or if you overslept just beans!! 20 cups of tea later and we all seemed to be coming round to reality. It’s fair to say that Anton and Hugo ‘Expert Witness’ Corbett were immense on the Saturday with a day of structure for the boys including fitness, rugby, football and water polo keeping them all entertained until 4pm. This gave the adults time to relax or in the case of myself, Janet and Jo the opportunity to be shouted at by Brendan ‘This Is How I Do It At Work’ Dooley over team finances. Quite why he was shouting I don’t know as by the end, he somehow worked out we were in the black and actually quite well balanced. Following on from the finance committee meeting was the court session meeting involving all parties with the exception of Chief Justice Newton who yet again had prioritised his son’s football career over the team and Malcolm who decided a siesta was in order.

After lunch the boys were split into their teams so that they could take turns in the pool. This meant first watch was my team meaning an excuse for myself, Malcolm and Rose who excelled as a goalkeeper to get involved with the water polo match. I say get involved in the match but I’ll be honest, I’d have stood more of a chance against a pool full of piranha. It was like watching an Attenborough wildlife programme as he explains how the group work together to take down their prey. The first attack is a solo attack from Miles who is a handful and this opens up options for the others. Rushton was attacking from under the water line whilst Perry and Sheridan decided to go the throat. Now having their prey backed up against the wall, in came Harry Robinson for the midrift attack and at this juncture I have to admit I was doing ok. It was at this point when Daniel Robinson, Warhurst Jnr and Jake Pennington joined in and they were on my bloody polo team!!!!! The underlying theme of the attack appeared to be the time honoured tradition of debagging, the removal of the swimming attire. There had been numerous efforts to remove my shorts and numerous warnings were delivered by myself that if they refused to cease immediately, I would be forced to launch an attack of my own. Some heeded this warning but some (BenPerry all one word) didn’t and soon found himself missing his shiny orange shorts. Meanwhile, the game was still taking place although when I say game what I mean is Chess using her 8 foot long reach to launch the ball into the stratosphere whilst Daisy Hanson (clearly her mother’s daughter) was still in the changing room deciding which swimsuit went the best with the colour of the pool set off against the ambient lighting!!!!

In the gap between the afternoon antics and tea, Danny ‘The Spiv’ Graham had sorted the Grand Nation sweepstake. Lo and behold, I only pulled out the 8/1 favourite Many Clouds and was already counting my £75 winnings. At this point, Craig ‘The Beetle’ Leach appeared and produced a bag of goodies which I was instantly told to change into. At this moment, I was switched instantly from Keith to Francois complete with tash and necklace of garlic and informed I was to wear it for the remainder of the tour. Table tennis was now in full flow and tea had been brought forward by some 30 minutes to allow time for the court session to take place which also allowed time for Scott and Charlie to appear, complete with a bottle of honey flavoured Jack Daniels that he subsequently misplaced for the entire evening!!!

Tea was disposed of and the room was set for the evening’s entertainment, the court session!! The panel consisted of Chief Justice Kirkham and Chief Justice Newton, flanked by prosecutor Rode and defence Carrol. The bench were ably assisted by Clerk to the Court Francois and the Weights and Measures team of Cooke and Dooley, complete with the trusted rubber chicken. Justice was dispensed swiftly with a number of offenders brought to task which this year included having their mugshot taken for prosperity but the absolute highlight of the tour was the inclusion of expert witness Hugo Corbett. For someone who doesn’t coach the team and doesn’t own a child of the correct age, he certainly appeared to be involved in a number of incidents which were brought before the bench and was graciously rewarded every time he gave evidence. This however led to a moment of courtroom brilliance. It had not gone unnoticed that the Expert Witness was sat next door but one to Paul Howarth, them being separated by John Mackey. Every time Hugo returned to his seat after one from the court’s purse, Mr Howarth was the first to ridicule him for him misfortune and seemed to be taking great delight in Hugo’s pain. This was somehow communicated to the bench and Mr Howarth was asked to approach. Upon seeing him approach, Weights & Measures appeared to be up to no good and as sentenced was passed Mr Howarth took his punishment and sat down. He maybe should have stayed sat down as approximately 15 minutes later he was falling down outside, narrowly missing the open fire and ending up with more mud on him than any of the boys. Having been helped to his feet, the rumours go that he was found prone lying on a staircase and had to be carried to bed by Martyn Lord. The groans continued all night and definitely added to the whole Hogwarts experience!!!

The upshot of the court session was plentiful :

• Barry and Owen now have each other to discuss fashion with
• Will and Jenkin carried the ball in 2 hands all day at the festival
• Craig thinks the French national anthem is Star Spangled Banner
• Rachel and John will never again volunteer to be witnesses
• Ben and Jasper will give up football at the end of the season
• Brendan will have a probation report yearly
• Danny can actually sing
• Karina does love her husband in uniform
• Karl loves wearing a uniform
• Mark is a plant thief
• Oscar has great hair
• Francois is a better ref than Anton and a better coach than Tony
• Dominic Hanson is the most switched on kid I know when it comes to self-preservation
• We all know how old Joanne is??
• We all know Hugo doesn’t possess a passport
• Priya can kill you with one carefully delivered sentence or phrase

But the main thing we know is that Tony and Mo are as bent as a 5-bob coin when it comes to sentencing each other!!! With the court session over, a presentation was made to Tony which was not his main present as Chess and Daisy had lost this somewhere but fortunately it was found and was making its way to the front in the rock steady hands of former Chief Inspector and Stockport 1st XV captain Derrick Spencer. Could there have been anyone more trusted with the present?? Well actually, anyone really as Derrick proceeded to throw a dummy with the box not realising it was open and smashed a full bottle over the floor. Tony didn’t know whether to cry or drop to the floor and start supping whilst Malcolm realised it wasn’t just any of the 6 bottles that had been dropped but the most expensive!!!!!
Early to bed for Francois on Sat night as the following day was game day and he needed to be on his mettle. Given how tired I was, I quickly removed the Francois disguise and jumped into bed without bothering to wash etc which came back to bite me on the ass. The removal of the tash had left a sticky residue on my top lip which as I was lying face down on my pillow, had clearly attached itself to my pillow. At some point during the night I rolled over followed by the pillow that was now stuck to my upper lip which ended with me lying on my back, face covered with said pillow!!!

Some of the group though decided to stay up which is fine when you can get up the next day. It’s not necessarily fine when those who decided to stay in bed were the man in possession of the van keys and the team’s head coach!!! By now Kirky was on full megalomania auto pilot finding jobs for everyone and then at the death throwing in a team photo request!! This caused a few little issues between a few people (I’ll leave that one there) and we proceeded to board the coach heading for Lichfield. It was then abundantly clear to me that Mark the driver sits astride an air cushioned seat and so when he drives over country lane bumps at 90 mph he doesn’t necessarily feel them??? What it did mean was that a 45 minutes journey was completed in 30 and it was onto the festival!! What I forget to mention was that despite all the planning that went into the whole weekend, it was summed up in yet another sentence from Professor Joshi who turned to me on the coach and said, “You know Keith, the best thing for me from the whole weekend was……………… those lamb tikka chops. Amazing!!”

Having set up shop with the chaps doing a great job on the gazebos, we looked forward to a day’s rugby which was to pit Stockport’s finest against teams we never play from the Midlands, teams such as Sandbach!!!!!!! A team from Old Silhillians were in attendance and we were dutifully informed by Kirky that they were the winners of the Midlands Land Rover competition, beating the likes of Chester along the way so it was going to be a hard day at the office. The boys all played 5 games each with the 2 group winners being declared the winners which saw pool B won by one of the Stockport teams who overcame Old Sills (and their coach), Lichfield, Tamworth, Barton and Melbourne. The day even saw a spot of European refereeing from Francois and a spot of French temper and aggression after the Old Sills coach started to bend the ear of the ref. Having refused to shake hands at the end, he was hounded with garlic until he gave in and accepted what Mrs Francois has known for years, I’m always right and I always have the last word!!!

A great end to a great day which also saw the 2 Stockport teams facing off against each other and all 3 teams earning plaudits from the other coaches and spectators about the standards of rugby played by the boys.

Special mentions (most important part of the report) and in no particular order :

Danny Graham : for organising the sweepstake for the Grand National
Barry Wilkson : for bringing the wood, the fire and getting them going
Anton Hanson & Hugo Corbett : for arranging Saturday and looking after the boys all day
Hugo Corbett : for taking the court session in the spirit it is intended (especially as a non-drinker)
John Mackey & the Gazebo Dad’s : for their brilliant erections
Rose Duckworth and Scott Sadler : copious amounts of cleaning up after the group
Craig Leach : official tour photographer (and beetle)
Jo Rode : for the room allocation policy
Everyone who was fined in court : for taking it in the spirit it was intended
All of the boys : who were impeccably behaved and brilliant all weekend
All of the coaches and support staff (you know who you are)

And finally…….2 very special mentions without whom none of this would ever be possible……..

Malcolm ‘The Glue’ Cooke : Over the weekend, someone mentioned to me that without reward or recognition Malcolm does what he does for the benefit of everyone involved with Stockport U11’s and is basically that glue that keeps everyone together. Plus he’s bought a great new van with a radio!!!

Tony ‘Wet Fart’ Kirkham : A man around whom the team revolves (due to the gravitational pull of his gut), he works tirelessly to get these tours off the ground whilst doing this at minimum cost. For one person to be responsible for the logistics of 80 + people including travel and accommodation is astounding and not something to be taken lightly. He has all the boys interests completely at heart and so he gets a massive thanks from me again for another brilliant weekend!

Cheers, Francois